wait & watch

So the consensus from the Docs seems to be that the new bruise on my arm is not some nefarious underlying cause, but a bruise.  (Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.)  Apparently, radiation therapy on a lower extremity (i.e., below the knee or elbow) routinely causes bruising in people who are prone.  That said, both the surgeon who did the initial surgery in August and the radiation doc said to wait and see whether it clears up on its own, w/o leaving any evidence behind, over the next few weeks.  So that's what I have to try and do.  At least I'm 2/3's of the way done.

Meanwhile, I got my hair cut short -- Debbie Rothley or Liz Storer style.  Curly girls don't get "pixie" cuts -- they requires straight hair.  My hair looks like it did after I got it cut the spring of my senior year in college because I wanted to look grown up.  Hasn't been this way since my 20's.  It will work well for the month that I'm in a sling, and it doesn't look bad (Ben said, "nice haircut" but given that he'd been so angry he wasn't speaking to me the day before, I'm not sure exactly how to take the comment), but I'm not sure I'll keep it after I'm two-handed again.

The whole business with Ben is distressing, and there's been more snapping in this house than ever before.  We have to be careful not to degenerate into full bore negativity -- especially not now that we most need the power of positive thinking, and notwithstanding that we appear to be standing not at the threshold, but in the middle of classic teen-dom.  With homecoming this weekend, no less -- oh my.

lump

Last night, after I wrote in the blog, I was moving our big, heavy toaster oven and hit my forearm, just below the graft, on the corner of the cupboard.  Not a big deal.  The sort of thing, though, that in the old days -- back when I had a venous malformation on my arm -- might have caused a little lump. 

Guess what?  it caused a little lump!

 

Now what's alarming about this, of course, is that, back on August 1st when I had surgery to remove the tumor from my arm, the whole point of the surgery was to remove what was causing my arm to get these lumps. 

 

I understand that this new lump isn't cancer. So, it isn't an immediate threat to my well being.  HOWEVER, if the sarcoma was a "transformational" tumor, i.e., it was damaged tissue that wasn't cancer, but somewhere in the last five years became cancerous, then I would like to feel that all this treatment should not only eliminate the cancer, but it should eliminate the cause of the damaged tissue that turned into cancer.  That would mean eliminating the source of the problem.  so it wouldn't happen again. 

 

Eliminating what makes my skin go lump in the night.  Bill and I both just stared at this lump last night, trying to grasp that it had happened again.  And, sadly, both my internist and radiation oncologist said I needed to talk to the MD Anderson team.  Yet, for the first time that I've left them email and phone messages, they didn't call back.



driving

So many people tell me I'm tough and determined, I just believe them and wipe all doubt aside.  It's just how to turn off that little voice off to the edge of consciousness, barely audible.  And yet also somehow dominant, like the white noise that becomes Chinese torture rather than background.

Early radiation was fine -- the radiation techs seemed genuinely appreciative for the socks ("We love Smartwool!"). 

The drive down to Colorado Springs wasn't bad.  I missed the 1st two panels, but I think that was OK.  It was a lot of economic theory.  Everyone who needed to see me (who'd invited me -- or highly suggested I come) saw me.  Told the Cowboy about my sarcoma.  Good doctor's son that he is, he asked some discerning questions and looked worried. Eventually, he gave me a big hug; he's like an upright couch -- very comfy.  Talked to Jim B, who had cancer a while back, but recently had a heart attack -- now he's eating vegan, walking during lunch and has lost 17 pounds in a month.  He didn't even eat the salad we had at lunch, b/c he's being that careful.  Maybe I'll get there, although that's honestly as hard to imagine as being seriously disabled.  Talk to a couple other ag guys, all of whom I'm friendly with.  I said to Bill I thought a couple of them, with whom I jousted a decade ago (or more) have matured, just like I have.

Had a drink w/ Dan K.  Always good to hang out, build bridges, and besides, if I'd left right after the conference, it would have taken 3 hours to get home (like Sunday night coming back from Vail).  This was much nicer.  Again, I remember the first time we met, on a Water 2025 panel. I said something snide about Klamath and he railed against enviros, all of whom used ESA litigation to attack irrigators.  We were most definitely not friends.  Today, we traded Reclamation and other DC gossip, compared notes about some of the folks who spoke at today's conference, and shared stories of the worst years of our lives.  What a difference a decade makes.  Plus, we spent just the right amount of time that the drive home was painless.

A full weekend

It was a beautiful day today.  I hiked Sanitas w/ Val and Vicky M.  It was a little crowded, because so many trails are still closed due to the flood.  But great to get out.  Especially since yesterday, Annie and I (and Val and Luna) did a small loop at Chautauqua. 

So I wasn't without energy.  But I'm exhausted now.  Maybe I didn't get enough sleep.  Maybe there were too many pink drinks and port at the Ghayurs last night (which was lots of fun).  But it's seems like I've been tired for no reason each of the last couple days.  I went to a retirement party for Paul Frohardt this afternoon in Denver.  He's been at the Commission since 1987!  There were lots of water quality junkies to talk to, including Mely, who had a 7 week course of radiation.  She said she was more tired for the two weeks immediately after she was done (i.e., after getting the full dose) than during the treatment. 

Tomorrow is the day that Tiffany and Candace, the radiation techs, are opening early for me.  Then I'll get on the road and drive to Colorado Springs to spend the day thinking about the value (and cost) of irrigation water, with a bunch of economists and irrigators.  And here's hoping I'm not too tired to drive home!  Because that would be awkward.

Ben has decided that his failure to do any homework for the first month of school has more to do with a lack of motivation than a lack of executive function.  His solution is that he needs an outside goal to provide motivation.  Bonnie, his coach, suggested two, one negative (avoid summer school) and one positive.  He announced that he thinks we should buy him a computer, so he doesn't have to borrow one of ours, if he gets caught up and stays caught up doing quality work.  With the 1st night of Chanukah falling on Erev Thanksgiving this year, we think that's fine.  Bill's only worried what we'll do if he doesn't make it.  But this is like everything else now; I have to believe the positive version of the story.

Yesterday afternoon was a great Boulder, my fair city, kind of day.  I was doing errands (like buying a fish for Paul's gag gift and the cute Smartwool socks for the radiation techs) when I ran into Jim Martin, who I hadn't seen since he started his new job; we sat outside the Brewing Market and had a cup of coffee.  As we were getting up to leave, an intern of mine from EDF who I hadn't seen for a decade probably came over to visit.  And then Vicki Kurzban and I went flower shopping  (I got pansies and poppies).  I went back to her house and she dug up a bunch of irises that were overgrowing her yard to give me.  Very cool.  I wanted to plant them today, but didn't have time, between Sanitas, groceries and Denver, so I'll do it Tuesday am.  Get to take out some more grass!

52%

Today's the half way mark for radiation treatment. My sister-in-law sent flowers (which are gorgeous; she said she picked a "modern" arrangement.  Whatever -- bamboo and dendrobia -- stunning).   Hurray.  A mile-marker in this process.  And, I heard from Angela today about my schedule for MD Anderson pre-surgery.  It's funny.  They set a 15 minute appointment with the plastic surgeon -- who does the all-critical reconstruction.  It will be our first meeting w/ him.  No wonder MD Anderson is always hours behind schedule.  I do think I'll call the PA and suggest that we might need a few more minutes!

The radiation therapy techs very kindly scheduled me for an early appointment Monday morning to accommodate my need to drive to Colorado Springs for an all day meeting.  I was thinking about what I could get them to express thanks.  Yesterday, I noticed a huge plastic dome at their work station; it was a coffee cake one of their grateful patients made them.  Today, as we were confirming the special time, I couldn't help but notice two boxes and four bars of chocolate!  Guess I need to get something other than sugar to show my appreciation.  If not flowers, maybe socks (since Tiffany runs and Candace climbs).  Candace's husband is going backpacking this weekend.  Oh to be young.  All I could think about was that it snowed today (we woke up to white frosting on the trees) and that it would be a totally different experience to be backpacking this weekend -- and what I'd need to bring to stay warm.  And, of course, the weekend before wouldn't exactly have been a hiking picnic, what with the torrential rains during the second wave of the flood ... I am no longer able to accommodate such swings.

Last night was Ladies night.  Two ladies bought me glasses of wine (the server wanted to see my driver's license -- which I did not have with me -- to prove I was over 21).  One lady said she was concerned I was perhaps too cheerful about my situation.  But not only did the server bring us gratis cookies (to get us to leave at the end of the evening), but I've got dates this weekend to go to the garden store and shop (buy bulbs) and hike.  Gotta love my support network.

The snow today was great.  Fall is here and winter's coming.  Ski season.  Bill made hot chocolate after dinner tonight.  I drank about 10 cups of tea today, including a pot while meeting with my colleague and friend Brad, who's having an interesting journey of his own, assessing what he wants to do with his life, in the aftermath of his brother's death this summer.  Funny -- but serious -- about how life intervenes.  Also demonstrated, of course, by various friends' furlough experiences.  My favorite of these is Andrew's, my former TU staffer.  He's running every day to a fishing hole, fishing until he lands something, and then running back and having a beer -- taking photos of trail, fish and can each day to document his day.

Lots of other thoughts, but this seems pretty random, and possibly boring, so I'll stop. 

Got a decent (for me, anyway) night's sleep last night.  Walked the dog on our "usual" weekday loop (Dakota Ridge - Goat Path - 3rd St).  Ate breakfast and lunch.  Felt tired this afternoon -- and still feel tired now.  Wondering if this is the dreaded fatigue setting in.  I'm two weeks in, so it would be "on time."  Still, hope not.

Meanwhile, enlisted the Rabbi, who promised to call and check in w/ Ben.  He also wants me not just to worry about/care for other people, but to make sure I spent time on me, too.  I actually think this is somewhat ironic advice, coming from a rabbi -- who spends all his time focusing on his congregation.  It made me smile.

Made mole (with an accent -- can't seem to find that in the formatting bar) for dinner.  It's simmering now.  Bill's favorite and something we all like.  Yum.  And this recipe makes enough for two, so we can have it again next week over something different.

40%

Bill came with me to my radiation therapy appointment today.  He was, of course, delighted and fascinated with the machines and the tech, generally.  Loved it.  We met with the Doc who proudly took us to his office to show us the "plan."  This is cross sections of my arm with the radiation dose imposed through swirling colorful lines.  There's only a few place where the highest doses cross the bone; however, there's points both down near my wrist and in my elbow.  And, throughout, there's the secondary dose lines that cross those bones.  So, on the one hand the radiation is highly likely (my friend Deb Rothley talked to her radiation oncologist co-worker who said 95%) to kill the cancer cells.  On the other hand, there's these long-term side-effects.  And when Bill says, "well, you'll just avoid falling on that arm/elbow/wrist" he's speaking as an athlete who might both think of that on the way down and be able to avoid it.  Not sure I'm in that group.

The good news remains that, so far, other than some GI track issues, I'm not having immediate side effects yet.  No fatigue, no sunburn.  Yea!

The hardest part of today was my state water committee meeting, where I had to talk to (and tell) a number of colleagues who didn't know about my cancer.  That's always hard.  As I've learned, I'm able to have one conversation a day.  Two maybe.  Brief mentions more than that may be possible.  But to have to go through the story multiple times is hard.  Especially when the person I'm telling wells up.  On the one hand I so appreciate that my colleagues and friends care enough to be surprised and saddened, it's hard for me to have to go into comfort mode for other folks.  Admittedly, it's easier now than it was a month ago, but it still isn't easy.